//19.12.2016
"Sometimes the only way to move forward is to revisit the things in the past that was holding you on. You have to deal with it head on, no matter how scary it may be, because once you do you see that you can further than you've ever imagined."
So twenty fucking sixteen is finally coming to an end and I am beyond grateful. This year was one terrible year and I'm not talking about the appalling calamities and adversities happening around the world but for me, myself as well. I felt so mentally drained in this entire year and for fuck's sake, I was fucking wallowing is self-pity most of the time. And that itself, was so debilitating.
"Stop pitying yourself. Pity yourself and life becomes an endless nightmare"
Life is just filled with an infinite number of chances to restart. The willingness and ability to erase and begin again takes time and effort but it will be worth it, right? It is partly giving myself a second chance, to make things right and to make things okay, no matter how silly and greedy that may sound. I just want to bring about a revolution for myself and I will be responsible for it. I don't want to choose to relinquish blame and to be a coward anymore. For so long, I have tried to avoid everything and to choose the easy way out. Even though it may bring me temporary relief but it is eating me from inside out and I can't suppress this any longer.
"But your anguish isn't yours alone. What should one do, when what they want to be isn't what they're best at? Everyone fights, searching for the correct way to live their lives. What do they seek by fighting? How they ought to love? No one can say, all we have is the right to answer. Like stray dogs that have hit rock bottom."
Talking about this is just so difficult because it causes me to consumed with all different emotions and I do not want to feel this way. It makes me feel ugly, dirty and abandoned but I need to do this. I need to let things go, so that I can accept myself once again and believe that I can still have a chance.
I regret all the times I blamed myself for letting all of this happen. Regardless of how happy I might have felt, I would do anything to turn back to the time we did not meet. Right now, I can feel nothing but distress when I think about all that we have been through. You treated me like a fucking doll and fuck, I don't appreciate it a single bit. The scariest part is that I might just accidentally let myself fall into that position once again and I'm going to feel used and torn.
When it first started, I thought there was no need to define anything. We could just be together. We would be what we could be for each other and nothing else would matter. Other people could think that we were together or we were just friends, but it will not make a single bit of difference. Well, at least that was just what I thought. Throughout this time, many people called me foolish but as foolish as I was, I chose to believe it.
You can ask me out when you want to and I can meet you in the evening. We will eat and chill and when we're done, we turn in different directions. I see you scrolling on your phone and we part ways. That was how it always was and always will be. It is funny how we think it is possible to love too much or love too little, giving in too much or not caring enough when it is just what we choose to be in those moments. This will always remain as our safe haven, without having to admit what we feel and what we don't feel. It allows 'selfishness' to flourish and yet, it allows 'self-protection' to exist. There is no need to face rejection and neither is there a need to acknowledge the little tugs in your heart or the butterflies in your stomach.
At least that is what I chose to tell myself. That is until one of us admits it, right? I found myself wanting to text you for dinner plans but you were busy, and I was hurt. I found myself thinking of you in the late hours wondering if you were going to call me, but you didn't, and I was hurt. I found myself wondering where your text was every morning, but it never came, and I was hurt. I was so accustomed to waking up to your good morning texts and falling asleep to your goodnight calls, but when it stopped. I was fucking lost.
You found yourself going another route, meeting new people, visiting new places. Your priorities changed. You still texted me once in a while to spend time together, but you started to drift further and further. It was like I never knew you before. Your life became a mystery to me and you found yourself having to explain yourself to me more. I wanted to know why you were behaving this way and why you said all that before when this is actually what you meant.
It was so tiring for me to understand and all I wanted to do was to run away.
At that time, I did not have the strength to leave but I failed to realise you were already contemplating to do so.
Even after choosing to let go of everything and to create a clear line between us, you tried to make it up in your own selfish way. In your defense, you might have thought that I wanted things to turn out this way but it is not. I fucking hate myself for being unable to voice out my thoughts at that time and to tell you that you are one selfish bitch who cares only about yourself. I don't want you to give me excuses as to why you can't be with me because the naive me back then would stupidly believe you. I want you to be the jerk that you are and tell me you don't want to be with me so that I will instantaneously hate you and not take so long to realise this.
Honestly, I have no idea how important I am in your life but I am not here for you to play with when you are bored and throw me aside when you find something new. Maybe you didn't mean for it to turn out this way but this is exactly how it turned out. You chose to stop this and you chose to stop putting in effort. You chose to put me in this spot where I don't know whether to hate myself or to hate you and I am done being the misled one in this relationship.
I am going to master the art of diversion and I know you will misunderstand this, but I cannot deal with this anymore. I really don't know what to do. It's been a little more than eleven months. Eleven. long. months. That's close to a year and everytime I feel like I'm okay, I realise that I haven't moved a fucking step. I really don't know what you expect from me but I need this. Don't ask about me. Don't worry about me. Don't even set your mind on me for a second. It is selfish but that was you the whole time. I need to do this for myself, I need to rid myself of these expectations that will never come to reality and I need to rid the idea of you and me. Us.
Allowing this to happen wasn't my choice, and I almost believed it wasn't yours either. It happened before we realised what we were getting into. It happened only because we thought we had the entire world in our hands. We do not have the capability to turn back time but at least, we can give each other the space that I desperately need.
"It is worthless, the words of your pasts are fundamentally unrelated to who you are now."
When time and distance meets, anger, frustration, love, doubts, insecurities and fears emanate. It is not until then that you will realise how much you have lost and how much you have gained. But even with all these negativity and the ever growing indifference towards life, there is still that glimmer of hope. Hope that things will get better and that, with the help and love of those around me, I will not remain this way forever.
From today on, I am going to look at life with reckless ambition and hopeful dreams. Despite the antagonism, if I may shed away my burden now, I will.
Cheers to new beginnings.
