//14.01.2017
It's been tiring. Honestly, to be left on a path with no dreams or guidance, you just feel lost and stranded. Recently, I found a job as a dental assistant in a nearby clinic and I absolutely detest working there. I am so stressed out there and I just feel so out of place. I know I'm supposed to deal with it, brace myself for what is to come and to take things with a pinch of salt. The future is terrifying and frankly, I don't even know what I want to do. I have no ambition and every single day, I am just wasting my time. I am not learning anything, I am not making myself a better person.

This year, I told myself, it is a time for new beginnings. It was supposed to be for a time for change, for revolution but so far, it has been nothing but a futile chase. It is not like as if I don't try hard enough but it is just not as easy as it seems. I don't consider myself a perfectionist by any means, but I just hope to be perfect at something. Even if it is just one small and simple task, I want to be able to do it and get complimented for it. Every time I feel as though I achieved something, I end up fucking it up and it feels terrible.

一事无成
When I was 16 and about to enter Junior College life, I remembered myself planning out my life and what my goal was. I was so confident and certain back then, with my future in check. I did fairly well in IP and had expected to do equally well in college. My future was supposed to revolve around medicine and doctorate - something my parents were going to be proud of. I was going to remain in the top percentile, I was going to score fucking As for my Sciences, I was supposed to go overseas to complete my studies and come back with a certificate. People were going to look at me with utmost respect and I can then walk around with my head held high. It was all laid out for me but now it's all falling apart. It's fucking discouraging and sad. I can't help but beat myself over it because if I just put in a little more effort, maybe things would not have turned out this way. I wouldn't be a waste of space, a waste of time and I wouldn't be disappointing people.

I'm a fucking failure lol.
I don't even know what to do anymore.
help